Mother’s Day and Miscarriage

It was a year ago Mother’s Day that I stood in church being honored along with all the other moms, tears flowing. The tears were not because I was proud to be a mom of four children, although I was. It was not because prayers were lifted on our behalf although I was grateful. Instead it was because, despite my amazing children and the pointed prayers, I was hurt and angry that what I’d hoped would be a fifth child for my family was ending as I stood there in the midst of hundreds of other people smiling and clapping.

I am choosing to share the pain of my miscarriage publicly for all you who bear yours privately. What I suffered is not an uncommon thing. Many of you can relate since it is estimated that at least 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Yet, knowing that did not help me. It also did not help when well-meaning people offered platitudes like, “You can always get pregnant again” or pointed out that at least I already had children as though somehow this one was disposable. And it did not help to be told, “It was probably just God’s mercy”. It did not feel like mercy.

I had been to the doctor that Thursday excited to see my sweet baby’s sonogram image92783-20140513 only to be told that things were not looking “as they should”. I was told to prepare myself for loss and to schedule another ultrasound in a week. I enlisted prayers and I believed against all hope that the following week would bring good news. It would not. Sunday morning, spotting began. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that this child we longed for and prayed for would die on the day I was to celebrate being a mother. It could not be. Not on Mother’s Day.

So I stood, smiling through tears, praying that God would stop what was happening to my body and my baby. He did not–not then, and not again five months later when we lost another baby in a sterile hospital room. My body had gone into shock from blood loss, and in that foggy, subconscious place, I wondered why God, who could have stopped all of it, had chosen not to despite my pleas. Was it my fault? Did I not pray hard enough? And in that limbo between life and death, I heard a resounding “No” as well as “Do you trust Me?” I chose to trust and I still do.

In the midst of unanswered questions, I am a woman who knows the goodness of God and who has had prayers of faith answered in inconceivable ways, so I have chosen to trust that God’s ways are not my ways but His way is better and that the hope of Romans 8:28 is true of both me and all my children: “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” I may not understand His purpose but I will trust in them.

So, on Sunday, a year after it all began, I stood again amidst my congregation as applause went up for all the moms and I cried. Oh, I know how blessed I am to have the son and three daughters who call me “Mama”, but I still long for the ones I can only dream about, and it still goes against my instincts to say I’m a mom to four when my heart says I have six. I know if you’ve lost a child before birth you can understand that.

To all you moms who know this loss or know someone who does–whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or the pain of abortion–I pray your hearts will be restored one broken piece at a time. While we may not hold those babies in this life, they are still a gift from the Lord (Ps 127:3), He knew them even before they were formed (Jer 1:5) and He will complete what He started (Jer 1:5). I believe that one day I will see and recognize my babies, and they will see and recognize me as their mama and it will be better than what my finite mind can envision.

And, mamas, while it is true that “these things happen”, it is still a unique and personal experience and your healing is just as unique and personal. Seek help if necessary, but remember, it’s a process. It’s been a year for me, and most of the time it’s better, but sometimes it still stings. Sometimes I just need to cry.

Despite such feelings of intense loss, I am grateful for the opportunity to love more deeply and out of that love to reach out to others with compassion in a way I couldn’t have a year ago. And through it all, I hang onto the promise that one day “God will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain” (Rev. 21:4).

Bless you.

Here is a link to a book I highly recommend if you are struggling with this issue:

http://www.jackhayford.org/teaching/book-excerpts/ill-hold-you-in-heaven/

8 thoughts on “Mother’s Day and Miscarriage

  1. Rita I am so sorry. I did not know the circumstances. I wondered if you had lost the baby while in Alaska since you had told me your good news at the May Fair last year. My deepest condolences. Asking Jesus to hold you close in your moments of grief. I love you Rita Clucas and your beautiful family.

    Like

  2. Rita, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I certainly can understand the disappointment; we had three miscarriages in 18 months, and then we were blessed with our girls. It was very discouraging and I was upset and angry at God for a long time; so angry that I wasn’t able to shed any tears. But it was a positive experience as well. I’ve always been independent, able to take care of myself, but for the first time experienced the Body of Christ coming together to help me through prayers, people sharing their personal stories of loss, and one friend taking me to a support group for those who had lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, illness or accident. In the support group I grieved along with others in their losses and became more compassionate and also stopped sitting around making plans for my future. I still have a long way to go in some areas of my life but I can look back and say that for me, my miscarriages were a time of spiritual growth. Someone once said that we parents introduce our children to the Savior. But someday when I go to heaven, my three little ones will introduce me to Him!

    Like

  3. I love your heart. We too, have two little ones in heaven. It has been 8 and 9 years since our loss but I still remember those two days like it was yesterday. April and September were hard months and even on holidays my heart longs for the day when I can see our little ones we didn’t have a chance to meet. We were blessed to have wonderful doctors with us each time – one who prayed with my husband in the hospital waiting room and one who cried with me at our second loss. It takes time but I pray that God will heal your heart. As someone told me, “a baby no matter how old is a baby” to his/her mommy. Don’t feel ashamed to grieve the loss as it is real. And another word someone wisely gave me, God will lead you one day at a time through the journey; trust Him enough to take His hand every day; cry the tears; trust some more and one day He will use your journey to help someone else. Praying for you and your family.

    Like

    • That is beautiful Debra. Thank you for the encouragement. That is my hope. One day at a time…one tear at a time closer to healing. I know it is not in vain, and I hope God will use my voice to speak into the hearts of others who suffer.

      Like

  4. I miscarried at 11 weeks on New Year’s Day at my parent’s house. I didn’t really have a chance to mourn due to so many people being around. I would’ve been due right about now and I’m finally mourning the baby I lost, the child I will not be able to hold or watch grow up. Oh, it grieves me something fierce.

    Like

    • Thank you Charlene for sharing that and I am so sorry for such a deep loss. Each June and November I remind myself that while I may not be throwing a birthday party on earth, and no one here may remember, God remembers and He loves them and me with an everlasting love. Oh how we have much to look forward to! I pray time eases your pain dear sister.

      Like

We'd love to hear from you.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s